let my world be mine

i really do not have a clear idea of how my world looks like. all this time, i had been residing in someone else's world and i had been trying to decorate that world. i had forgotten that i was a princess in my own kingdom.

yes, i am a princess who had lost my crown when i fell in love with a man who made me forget who i was. i am a princess who allowed someone else to reign my world and be a captive of his own heart. i am princess who swallowed my highness by granting my man's desires just to make him happy. i am princess who only thought of that man's happiness and never of my own.

i could endure every pain that enters my heart and could perfectly understand everything that enters my mind. only that my mind and my heart could not agree to totally let go of that person for it was a hard thing to do.

all this time, i had been committing suicide that everytime i see him and every moment that i spend with him, i knew he was there but he is not mine and he will never be mine. the pain of all pains is nothing compared to the ache i felt when i am being slapped with the thought that "he is just with me but he isn't mine"...i died a thousand times but he never attempted to make me live again. he never tried to reincarnate this princess for all he knew was his own goodness.

stupid i was when i allowed love to reign my world. dumb i was when i allowed him to reign my kingdom. crazy i was to endure all of it for a long period of time.

but stupid, dumb and crazy as i may seem...all i know is that despite of all the pain, despite of dying a thousand times, i cannot deny the fact that the man still resides in my heart and i cannot find a way to let him leave.

i tried to let him leave many times but i never succeeded becuase deep inside me, i never really wanted to lose him. i want to leave his world but i want him to stay in my world and still be a part of it, even if he isn't mine.

if he isn't mine, who owns him then? no one. loving is not owning. i do not own him. nobody owns him. he is an individual who has the ability and the freedom to choose who he wants to spend his life with and even if he will not end up with me, at least, i was given the chance to pass by his kingdom and decorate it with the luxury i have.

my kingdom is dying. my people are dying of hunger. it is time for me to come back and bring back the beautiful kingdom i once loved and cherished.

my vacation is over. i am back home. the princess is retiring to the castle she worked hard for and there, i will wait for my real prince to come. i just hope, the next one is the right one for my heart is tired of making mistakes and it is tired of entering different worlds and leaving it empty handed. if a new one is coming and if that new one is the right one, i'll make sure that we will spend forever together...

  

i will rest in seclusion because i am tired of dying again and again. i need to listen to the merriment of my people to regain courage.

by the time i come out, i'll be a better princess with or without my prince.

so long...i'm going home.

In My Silence, I Cry

111008.2.48.a.m.

One by one the drops of rain slowly roll down my face as I walked in the aisle of fallen leaves. I choose to get wet and continued heading to a place of nowhere. Inside of me are broken diamonds that glistened despite its distorted shapes. Inside of me are unending questions of why and what if. Inside of me is a lady vigorously struggling to step out of the quicksand that unceasingly grabs her entirety to make her stay even if she wants to leave. Inside of me is a stranger.

I continued walking not knowing where I was heading. My mind was empty as the abandoned hall I walked past by. It was empty except for the thought of him.

Why?

Why did he emptied my mind and left only his memory? Why did I allow him to corrupt the person I used to be? Why does he reside inside of me and choose not to leave?...Why?

I feel like a dried rose blown to the wind…going with the direction, twirling high and low. Like the leaves under my feet, I became lifeless. I became dull. I lost the life-giving part that once made me beautiful and attractive. I lost the smiles and joys that once made me bloom and sparkle. I lost the beauty and glee the butterflies used to love. I have lost the real me.

Why?

Why is love so undefined? Why does it hurt so much when it felt so beautiful? Why does it have to take a detour?...Why?

Everything I had got lost when he took over my life. I have offered myself on bended knee and open arms. I have given all of my everything and was left with nothing but the thought of him.

Like a lost cat, I continued walking. Eyes weary. Hair left hanging on my damp shoulders. Clothes dripping with the overflowing pain from within. I wished his arms were wrapped around me. I yearned of his hands interlocking mine as he gives me the gaze I so longed for. I imagined the warmth of his being walking with me, sharing the gift of love.

But did he know what love is? Did he know how it is to love? Did he know he was loved? It’s hard to say the answer coz the answer is no.

I was the greatest fool for allowing myself to get drunk with the liquor he offered me. I was the greatest fool for allowing him to take the pretty rose I kept so dearly. I was the greatest fool for believing in all the promises he said. I was the greatest fool for still waiting for his return. I am and I was the greatest grandest fool for loving him so sincerely.

I took a hiatus. I fell down on my knees and looked up to the sunlight that came peeping between cotton white clouds. The rain has stopped but I am still wet. The sunlight beamed on me and I knew I should resist to be taken into the quicksand now. I knew I needed to take back what was mine. I knew I should stand up, regain strength and walk to the right direction.

I knew it was time.

So I struggled to clothe myself with the real me and I found my way home. But when I arrived, I realized I wasn’t able to take off the wet clothes I had…and so all my clothes are damp now.

Why?

Why can’t I let go of the foolishness I had? Why can’t I continue walking and never look back anymore? Why can’t I be myself again without the smudges of yesterday?

I am wet and it seems like I’ll never get dry.

I have no more paths to take for I have taken them all. I have no more tears to fall for I have wept it all. I have no more love to give for he had taken it all.

I sat down in silence. Exhausted by the long walk I had.

I sat down in silence. Looked blankly at nowhere.

And I still sat down in silence….

….in my silence I succumbed myself to the dried rose petals slowly joining the grains of sand.

Hush

It’s his eyes that I could only see
And the shadows that danced on the wall
Silhouettes which moved freely
Like aphorisms others cannot see.
It’s his breath I could only feel
And the beating of our hearts as shadows moved
Pounding like a gong starting a feast
Racing like cheetahs on a verdant field.
It’s his arms I could only touch
And the lump in your throat that whispered
Whispered with the tone of our pounding hearts
Saying words that seems so endless, seems so real…
It’s his voice I could only listen
And the bodily art he created for the shadows
Dancing like clouds in the vast heavens
Filling each other’s emotions with tenderness.
Indeed,
It’s his eyes that I could only see
It’s his breath I could only feel
It’s his arms I could only touch
It’s his voice I could only listen
The world was emptied with people
It was only you and me…
But I can no longer see the shadows
Only a lonely silhouette of a girl…
Cuddling her teddy bear
Thinking deeply as tears rolled down her cheeks,
Wondering what to do with the life she is conceiving
Regretting the day she believed him when he said,
“Hush…dance with the shadows…”

Gather

Gather
08-23-08
5.59 pm

Yesterday dwells inside me,
It slowly kills me.
It cuts me into pieces.
It breaks me.
Yet no one dares to pick it.
To rearrange it.
To fix it.
To complete it.
Tomorrow is just a dream.
It consumes me.
It saddens me.
It fears me.
The pieces will still be there.
It bleeds often.
It stays incomplete.
It remained broken.
Can you bring back the pieces for me?

emotional crystal

08-23-08
6.31 pm

It peeped out in the corners of my eye
Glittering like a crystal…
Slowly coming out with the pour of emotions
Seeping out of the cracks in my heart
Which was once red and healthy
Yet turned gray and frail.
Little by little it crawled on my cheeks
Trying to give comfort.
My mind runs like a broken compact disc,
Replaying moments,
Flashing back words,
It all seemed real
It all seemed right.
My cheeks are glittering with the emotional crystal;
I felt it with my fingers…
And it pained me.
It hurts knowing that I have to shed it again for you.
It is hard to absorb reality
Coz the reality I know is different from the veracity.
It is hard to accept the truth
Knowing that I had been dwelling with so much lies,
My face now glitters with the crystal…
And I won’t wipe it.
It’s my only way to pour out emotions,
To lessen the pain,
To give out hatred
To accept the truth
To learn living without you.
I’ll just let it dry naturally
So please don’t wipe it.