Saturday, September 16, 2017

Is It All Gone?

It is heartbreaking to see my sand castle falling. But it is not a simple sand castle because I built it for years. It had a very happy beginning. Built on a good foundation.

There were storms and earthquakes but none of it made our castle fall. No matter how hard they shake, it still stands still.

There are moments when the castle remains still and unattended. But still, it remains standing.

All these years, I am very confident that the castle we built will remain strong. Yet, today, I realized that I was wrong because I forgot what it was made of. It was merely made of sand.

Sand will crumble. Sand will fall. Sand will wither. And so is our castle.

I was so confident with its good foundation that I forgot to decorate it. I overlooked cleaning it so it will remain beautiful and grand.

All I could do now is stare at the castle with tears falling down my cheeks. Will it ever be the same again? Can I still rebuild it with the same glory? Can I still build a castle with you again?

But I can't seem to figure out how to start over again. I don't even know how I could ask you to help me work on it again. Will you stay and happily help me build a castle?

I am not sure if you'll agree. But there is still a little hope left for me.

Because as I cry with silent tears and I growl in pain, I can still feel that there is a part of you that wants to stay with me. I know you will if you stop looking around and if you focus in our castle.

Do you still have the heart to do that?

Monday, May 6, 2013

Me, As a Writer

I am so busy these that I wasn't able to post new stuff in my blog. Been working on a lot of write-ups and some floor plans too. But I thought of sharing to you something today. I also shared this on my other blog Pink Heart String.

I am currently enrolled in an online course, Writing II Rhetorical Composing in Coursera. For our first assignment, we were told to write a literary narrative about how we became a writer. The assignment was named Getting to Know You. So, I will share with you my assignment so you will also get to know more about me. Here it is:

Snowflakes, Ink Blots and a Dream
Snowflakes, snowflakes
Up in the air,
Where you came from,
I know not where.
Snowflakes, snowflakes
So lovely in the sky,
Why you are there,
Oh, I wonder why!
Snowflakes, snowflakes
You come in different shapes
I wonder what it takes
To see you and be my keepsake.


This poem didn’t begin with a poem. It begun with a craft and a dream. I was snipping colored papers, shaping them into circles, folding them into whatever manner I can think of and snap snap snap. I ended up having paper art that looked like snowflakes (well, for me they were snowflakes). I was making them so I can add it on my scrap book of dreams for I always wanted to see real snowflakes since we do not have snow here in the Philippines. Upon seeing those colorful snowflakes, words suddenly played on my mind and I wrote it on paper with a pen that blots ink every now and then. I was 7 years old and I loved arts. I loved crafts. I did not even know I’ll be able to write. I didn’t even know that I could write.

Yes, it all started with a craft and a dream. With that short poem, I have begun creating the foundation of my future as a writer. From that day, I felt like I found my Personal Legend like what Coehlo refers to. It seems that the snowflakes and the ink blots from my pen where the keys to what I am today. From that day, a writer was born.

I then began writing more poems. I even wrote one for my teacher in Grade 5. I became part of the school paper and was sent to various writing competitions. But along with that writing, I was also a consistent representative of our school for drawing contests, extemporaneous speaking contests and quiz bees. Oh well. My life as a grade school pupil was like a whirlwind of contests and quiz bees. But despite my busy schedule of reviews and practices for the contests I was sent to, I couldn’t put to hiatus the words that play in my mind. They are always there. The words kept on swirling like endless music in my mind. I always have something to write about. My craft and my dreams were always linked to the words that danced on my mind, and I cannot make them stop.

I brought a pen and paper with me all the time so that I can scribble those dancing words every time they come up. That is how I came up with lots of poems and stories. I even tried writing my own songs, too. I made it a habit to always have a pen and a piece of paper in my pocket. I didn’t care even if my pen sometimes blots ink into the fabric of my school uniform. At least, there is still ink to bring the words to life. At least, there was still ink to add another step that leads to my dreams. At least, the ink is there, I can see it, I can feel it, it is mine.

My writing prowess was sharpened through time. The ink blots kept coming. I continued writing in high school and once again became part of the school paper as an Associate Editor. But I felt that it wasn’t enough to express myself in it. So, I founded a paper for our batch where anyone can write just anything they want to- from letters to secret crushes to funny stories about our senior life. It was funded by donations from classmates who were also willing to read the “latest” buzz. It was a big hit and until now, I never regret creating that paper which we named Heart Beats because it is where our heartbeats can be expressed and taken to every single person from our batch like a heart string that seemingly connects us. It is where friendship and love was molded, too.  The ink blots came more often especially that I had to bring technical pens for my Major classes in drafting. And well, my heart beats had more to express especially that I started to love, hate, admire and feel pain.

College was a totally big thing for me. I joined the school paper and passed as a Senior Writer. From that, I was promoted as a Feature Editor, a News Editor, an Associate Editor and became the Editor-in-Chief. I was Third Year College when I became Editor and continued being one for another year. It was a dream I always wanted to achieve.  Since I have grasped that dream, I made sure I did well and I made sure I’ll leave ink blots that will never be forgotten. And I sure did because apart from writing, we fought for press freedom.

Our college publications that included a monthly newsletter, a magazine, a tabloid and a literary folio are one of the best publications in the Region. We garner plenty of awards each year for every release we make. I can never be prouder because as Editor, I made sure we will create big changes for the betterment of the paper. But as we work harder for meatier contents and more engaging layouts, our freedom to write were given limits. Our adviser controlled what to write, choosing only those that matter to him, excluding big events that involved people he dislike, deleting lines from news stories that offended the people he look up to even it is the truth and creating a newsletter without even telling the Editorial Board. Without my knowledge, he has instructed some staffers to make a newsletter WITHOUT our names on the masthead. He even gave instructions that no one else but only “him” should edit all the articles. The section editors and the member of the Editorial Board were surpassed. As a college paper, we were supposed to be the “boss” because it is OUR paper. It is where we express and unveil the voice of the students and not that of a technical adviser. I felt so bad about it and I realized it was about time to expose all his doings including corruption. It was a struggle for all of us especially for the editors but we succeeded in unveiling his doings to the entire university by writing a press release. It was a courageous act and I never regret for doing such. With the power of my pen, I made a difference in our university. With my inkblots, I divulged the truth – a veracity that stayed unveiled for years. With the power of my pen, I stood for our rights to express and to write. With my inkblots, we made history.

I know, up to this day, my ink blots are still seen as silhouettes in our College paper.  I may have graduated and I may have ended my post in an unexpected way but I know, the ink blots stayed. I may look rebellious for some but I see more people who applauded my acts. My writing continued after college as I joined a local community paper and wrote for different websites. Well, the ink blots never stopped.

I had so much flare in writing. I feel like writing is a fire that seemingly burns within me. I feel like every time my fingertips touch the computer’s keyboard, there is a force that runs from me and into my hands. The power of my hand, my mind and my heart is combined and they result into a huge ink blot. I may not be using my pen these days because it is much easier to write using the computer, but I still look at these letters and words on my screen as ink blots.

Yes, it all started with a craft and a dream. Writing is not just about writing. It is about who you are, what you can do, and what you dream of. It is about crafts and the things we love to create with our bare hands from luscious food to creative works. It is about dreams and the things we always wanted to achieve from simple desires to huge ambitions.

Yes, it all started with a craft and a dream because the day I made and dreamed of snowflakes, is the day the ink blots started. It was the day when a writer was born.

Monday, February 28, 2011

When There Is Great Love and Joy

I was welcomed by cheers and joys when I returned to my own kingdom. I feel the sweet taste of freedom and independence. I felt like I was a captive, a princess locked in a tower...in a dragon’s keep who was finally freed from prison.

The trip was good and as I came nearer, the feeling gets better and better. It is the day when I returned that I realized what love and happiness really is. It is the day when I came back to my kingdom when I realized that there is so much more to life for I have been blindfolded for quite some time. Nothing can compare to the joy of being home.

...and nothing can compare to the joy of finally meeting the one true prince.

There had been pretenders before, fake princes who pretended to feel the pea under lots of mattresses. There had been princes who were actually frogs. There had been princes who spoke words of lies and broke promises. There had been clowns and false royalties. And I wasn’t that good to immediately determine their falsehood.


I didn’t notice that the prince I had been waiting for had always been around. I have seen him everywhere. He even exists in my dreams just standing in a corner, just an extra person in a scene where everyone is in motion while he is merely watching. I saw him in my dreams a hundred times but I did not give him much attention. I met him on covered paths and long walks but still I didn’t pay any attention to him especially that he seems to be just staring at me and never smiled even if I already smiled at him.

I had this dream once. A man with his silhouette stood under a bright light with his face unmasked. And he came to me and hugged me. I was confused coz I didn’t know him all I know is there was a different spark when his hands touched me. When I woke up, the only person that came to my mind was him. And after almost a year, he finally came.

I didn’t know that all this time, he had been waiting for me in my kingdom and he was one of the happiest person to meet me in my arrival.

Though I was still guarded and the fear of making another mistake still enveloped me, I could no longer hide my true feelings. Yes, I am a princess. I am a princess who is once again captivated but this time, I allowed myself to be captured for this is the only way I could feel true happiness and true love.

In a wink of eye, without I realizing it...I have fallen into the arms of the man who lived in my dreams. After all, he wasn’t just a dream but he is meant for me for real.


My prince is now here. We faced challenges together and succeeded. We will build a great kingdom together whatever the hindrances are.

No one can ever stop us for our love greater than any other love. No one can surpass the love that we have for each other—no one but us. No one can untie the knot that we have magically created neither clowns nor frogs, neither false princesses nor fake princes. No one can break us apart for we are reigning our kingdom.

I am home. I am home with my prince and nothing feels so great than being home with him.


The princess is back and I will never ever leave my beautiful kingdom again. I'll live here with my prince forever.

If ..


If given eyes to see,
                These four wall could surely know
                How joy shoot forth from you and me.
If given the sense to feel,
                This softness beneath us would truly know
                How we adore each other, so real.
If given ears to listen,
                These forlorn books on the shelf could surely know
                How our lips utter words of love that glistens.
If given lips to speak,
                This pillow beneath our heads would truly know
                How we think of each other ‘til nights peak.
If given a nose to smell,
                These hanged clothes above us could surely know
                 How we love each one’s scent like a love spell.
If given all the senses,
                These things around us would indeed dance and sing
                Knowing that he love we have is everlasting.


Monday, March 9, 2009

let my world be mine



i really do not have a clear idea of how my world looks like. all this time, i had been residing in someone else's world and i had been trying to decorate that world. i had forgotten that i was a princess in my own kingdom.


yes, i am a princess who had lost my crown when i fell in love with a man who made me forget who i was. i am a princess who allowed someone else to reign my world and be a captive of his own heart. i am princess who swallowed my highness by granting my man's desires just to make him happy. i am princess who only thought of that man's happiness and never of my own.


i could endure every pain that enters my heart and could perfectly understand everything that enters my mind. only that my mind and my heart could not agree to totally let go of that person for it was a hard thing to do.


all this time, i had been committing suicide that everytime i see him and every moment that i spend with him, i knew he was there but he is not mine and he will never be mine. the pain of all pains is nothing compared to the ache i felt when i am being slapped with the thought that "he is just with me but he isn't mine"...i died a thousand times but he never attempted to make me live again. he never tried to reincarnate this princess for all he knew was his own goodness.

stupid i was when i allowed love to reign my world. dumb i was when i allowed him to reign my kingdom. crazy i was to endure all of it for a long period of time.


but stupid, dumb and crazy as i may seem...all i know is that despite of all the pain, despite of dying a thousand times, i cannot deny the fact that the man still resides in my heart and i cannot find a way to let him leave.


i tried to let him leave many times but i never succeeded becuase deep inside me, i never really wanted to lose him. i want to leave his world but i want him to stay in my world and still be a part of it, even if he isn't mine.


if he isn't mine, who owns him then? no one. loving is not owning. i do not own him. nobody owns him. he is an individual who has the ability and the freedom to choose who he wants to spend his life with and even if he will not end up with me, at least, i was given the chance to pass by his kingdom and decorate it with the luxury i have.


my kingdom is dying. my people are dying of hunger. it is time for me to come back and bring back the beautiful kingdom i once loved and cherished.


my vacation is over. i am back home. the princess is retiring to the castle she worked hard for and there, i will wait for my real prince to come. i just hope, the next one is the right one for my heart is tired of making mistakes and it is tired of entering different worlds and leaving it empty handed. if a new one is coming and if that new one is the right one, i'll make sure that we will spend forever together...

  

i will rest in seclusion because i am tired of dying again and again. i need to listen to the merriment of my people to regain courage.


by the time i come out, i'll be a better princess with or without my prince.


so long...i'm going home.