i really do not have a clear idea of how my world looks like. all this time, i had been residing in someone else's world and i had been trying to decorate that world. i had forgotten that i was a princess in my own kingdom.
yes, i am a princess who had lost my crown when i fell in love with a man who made me forget who i was. i am a princess who allowed someone else to reign my world and be a captive of his own heart. i am princess who swallowed my highness by granting my man's desires just to make him happy. i am princess who only thought of that man's happiness and never of my own.
i could endure every pain that enters my heart and could perfectly understand everything that enters my mind. only that my mind and my heart could not agree to totally let go of that person for it was a hard thing to do.
all this time, i had been committing suicide that everytime i see him and every moment that i spend with him, i knew he was there but he is not mine and he will never be mine. the pain of all pains is nothing compared to the ache i felt when i am being slapped with the thought that "he is just with me but he isn't mine"...i died a thousand times but he never attempted to make me live again. he never tried to reincarnate this princess for all he knew was his own goodness.
stupid i was when i allowed love to reign my world. dumb i was when i allowed him to reign my kingdom. crazy i was to endure all of it for a long period of time.
but stupid, dumb and crazy as i may seem...all i know is that despite of all the pain, despite of dying a thousand times, i cannot deny the fact that the man still resides in my heart and i cannot find a way to let him leave.
i tried to let him leave many times but i never succeeded becuase deep inside me, i never really wanted to lose him. i want to leave his world but i want him to stay in my world and still be a part of it, even if he isn't mine.
if he isn't mine, who owns him then? no one. loving is not owning. i do not own him. nobody owns him. he is an individual who has the ability and the freedom to choose who he wants to spend his life with and even if he will not end up with me, at least, i was given the chance to pass by his kingdom and decorate it with the luxury i have.
my kingdom is dying. my people are dying of hunger. it is time for me to come back and bring back the beautiful kingdom i once loved and cherished.
my vacation is over. i am back home. the princess is retiring to the castle she worked hard for and there, i will wait for my real prince to come. i just hope, the next one is the right one for my heart is tired of making mistakes and it is tired of entering different worlds and leaving it empty handed. if a new one is coming and if that new one is the right one, i'll make sure that we will spend forever together...
i will rest in seclusion because i am tired of dying again and again. i need to listen to the merriment of my people to regain courage.
by the time i come out, i'll be a better princess with or without my prince.
so long...i'm going home.
