In My Silence, I Cry

111008.2.48.a.m.

One by one the drops of rain slowly roll down my face as I walked in the aisle of fallen leaves. I choose to get wet and continued heading to a place of nowhere. Inside of me are broken diamonds that glistened despite its distorted shapes. Inside of me are unending questions of why and what if. Inside of me is a lady vigorously struggling to step out of the quicksand that unceasingly grabs her entirety to make her stay even if she wants to leave. Inside of me is a stranger.

I continued walking not knowing where I was heading. My mind was empty as the abandoned hall I walked past by. It was empty except for the thought of him.

Why?

Why did he emptied my mind and left only his memory? Why did I allow him to corrupt the person I used to be? Why does he reside inside of me and choose not to leave?...Why?

I feel like a dried rose blown to the wind…going with the direction, twirling high and low. Like the leaves under my feet, I became lifeless. I became dull. I lost the life-giving part that once made me beautiful and attractive. I lost the smiles and joys that once made me bloom and sparkle. I lost the beauty and glee the butterflies used to love. I have lost the real me.

Why?

Why is love so undefined? Why does it hurt so much when it felt so beautiful? Why does it have to take a detour?...Why?

Everything I had got lost when he took over my life. I have offered myself on bended knee and open arms. I have given all of my everything and was left with nothing but the thought of him.

Like a lost cat, I continued walking. Eyes weary. Hair left hanging on my damp shoulders. Clothes dripping with the overflowing pain from within. I wished his arms were wrapped around me. I yearned of his hands interlocking mine as he gives me the gaze I so longed for. I imagined the warmth of his being walking with me, sharing the gift of love.

But did he know what love is? Did he know how it is to love? Did he know he was loved? It’s hard to say the answer coz the answer is no.

I was the greatest fool for allowing myself to get drunk with the liquor he offered me. I was the greatest fool for allowing him to take the pretty rose I kept so dearly. I was the greatest fool for believing in all the promises he said. I was the greatest fool for still waiting for his return. I am and I was the greatest grandest fool for loving him so sincerely.

I took a hiatus. I fell down on my knees and looked up to the sunlight that came peeping between cotton white clouds. The rain has stopped but I am still wet. The sunlight beamed on me and I knew I should resist to be taken into the quicksand now. I knew I needed to take back what was mine. I knew I should stand up, regain strength and walk to the right direction.

I knew it was time.

So I struggled to clothe myself with the real me and I found my way home. But when I arrived, I realized I wasn’t able to take off the wet clothes I had…and so all my clothes are damp now.

Why?

Why can’t I let go of the foolishness I had? Why can’t I continue walking and never look back anymore? Why can’t I be myself again without the smudges of yesterday?

I am wet and it seems like I’ll never get dry.

I have no more paths to take for I have taken them all. I have no more tears to fall for I have wept it all. I have no more love to give for he had taken it all.

I sat down in silence. Exhausted by the long walk I had.

I sat down in silence. Looked blankly at nowhere.

And I still sat down in silence….

….in my silence I succumbed myself to the dried rose petals slowly joining the grains of sand.