my multiply site

...cOz U R NuMb

“….it is hard to shout when no matter how loud your voice is, still, you can’t be heard…but it is harder to shout when you are heard yet the other person just opted not to listen..”- kled

It is hard when you are trying to communicate but the other line won’t respond even if you have tried every possible way to reach for him. Does it cost a million to send a text message? Does it cost a cent to answer a call?

The only cure for distance is communication. We are given all possible ways to communicate. Technology had given us all the means—cellphone, internet – but why is it so hard to communicate?

How can things work without communication?

I do not know if this is hard for the other person…for me it is hard. I stay at home most of the time when I do not have review classes. When I stay home, I can’t help but think of things in Tacloban.

Every night before I sleep, it hurts to think that I wouldn’t receive a “goodnight” from that person whom I consider special. It hurts to think that while I lay awake in bed for hours until dawn, he is asleep in his own bed not even remembering me. It hurts to think that being away for about a month means nothing to him. It hurts to think that while I lay with eyes open, I am wondering what he had been doing…while he stays unaware of how I am here. It hurts to wake up in the morning without his morning greetings. It hurts to go through things without his “kumusta”…but he wouldn’t know how much it hurts.

I always try to brush the feeling of emptiness and longing but it haunts me. I always wanted to bury the thought but still it lingers inside me. I hate to accept the reality that I miss him so badly…I want to deny that fact but my heart couldn’t.

How could you reside inside me for too long? Am I residing inside you too?

How would I know when you don’t even knock on my door? How would I know if you do not even draw a line to connect us?

Tell me…how will I know?

Robbery

You have taken a part of me and that can never be given back. Never can it be returned for it was consumed, it was possessed by someone else’s life. No other life can give it back, no other breath can pay it back, no other love can bring it back…even the one who have taken it away can never give it back to me…it has been consumed…it has been taken….

You have taken a part of my heart and now it isn’t complete. No cure could heal it, no patch can mend it and no cover can conceive it. The hole in my heart can never be mended for its depth can never be reached. It will stay there forever, that space you have taken. A piece from your heart cannot even complete it. My heart is incomplete but my life will always be complete despite my incomplete heart. Though it had a hole in it, it never ceased beating, it never stopped pumping blood into my body’s blood streams, it never quit loving, it never halted….it never bunged.

You have taken a part of my mind and now it’s confused. A part of it went astray and a part of it would always remind me of you. It would always flash back memories of you even if I don’t ask it to. This busy mind - so occupied, so overloaded would never miss a single thought of you. You always enter this busy mind without even asking permission to….same as you entered my heart just as you wished to and tried to get out when you want to…

Then, you have really taken a part of me….

You have taken a part of my life and I am not asking you to bring it back to me for no matter how hard you try, you can never give it back. It has drowned in tears and has succumbed in your blood. It has withered in my fears and died in your fists. It has melted in my veins and dwelled in your heart. It found refuge in you, it found its sanctuary in you but it never found comfort, and so it died.

And you really did take a part of me….and you could not bring it back. Bring it with you, its your to keep, yours to cherish—that is, if you want to. Bring it with you, it yours to rubbish, yours to bury—that is, if you want to.

Now, bring it with you…and do anything you want to…coz I’m not asking it back.

When Strings are Still Attached

"The hardest thing to learn is to teach your heart and your mind what to do for they
have their own choices. But not all their choices makes you happy."-kled

One cannot tell his or her heart to follow what his or her minds says. The heart has its own mind and the mind has its own heart. They seldom go together and if they do, it is either wrong or right.

I do not know if i should follow my mind or my heart. What i know is, either way, i wouldn't be happy. I don't even know if my happiness still matters. All I know is the happiness of the other person.

It is hard when you are not sure if there are still strings attached between you and the other person. In my case, i am unsure. Maybe if there are still strings, those strings will just rot for it is not being polished. Those strings will never be as beautiful as how i want it to be. I need to know if there are still strings. I need to know if there is still a special connection in our hearts.

We do not communicate but every time the sun sets and the heavens are eaten by darkness, it is his memory that haunts me..scares me..I am scared because i do not know what i should do. I cannot bury my memories. I cannot forget it. It is said that memories are never forgotten. it is just being replaced by a better memory...how can i have better memories when i cannot pull another string to connect with me? How can a new string be connected to me when there is still an exisitng string?

I am not sure if i could welcome a "better memory"....'coz i think i have driven it away already. I have driven it away because there are still strings attached....

....i guess, i will just bear my "beautiful nightmare" no matter how hard it is...

...people who added color to my life

Choose Life's Choices Well

Different types of people come to our lives…one is that person that we first loved, first kissed, whom we thought we will give everything and whom we thought would be the last. Another one is that person whom we consider as our knight in shining armor for coming into our life just on time, whom we can put on a pedestal but like the first one, it got away. Another one is that person who seems so perfect, seems so right, seems so ideal, nothing is wrong with the combination, no flaw with the friendship…only that the cards didn’t fall into its right place…and like the first two, it also got away.

We will never know which one will come back first; we will never know if one of them will return, we will never know if one of them is right….because we will never know unless the right one comes. And that right person may not be one of them. Another person might enter your life and it is your choice to consider him/ her as a passer by or a main stay.

It is our choice. Life is full of choices and it depends on us on how we choose. Destiny has nothing to do with life because we make our own destiny. Destiny is defeated when we make our choice. Destiny is defeated when we choose what we know is right and would make us happy. Destiny is defeated if we just try to.

Life is not about cowardice. It is about gathering up all our strength and face life with full armor and courage, that no matter how hard the choices are, we could still come up with the right one.

Our choice for life and love will make our destiny. At the end of the day, we will realize that you could blame no one for loosing a certain person but yourself, you could blame no one for being so stupid and blind but yourself, you could blame no one for being so hard headed but yourself…our life lies on how we deal with it. We make our own life. We were given our own hearts and minds so we can think of life’s choices and choose who to love.

It depends on us on how we use our heart and our mind wisely.

So, it won’t matter if there’ll be three or four or twenty persons who will knock on our hearts. It is our choice. We are to choose that person whom we love and could love us in return. It is not just counting bettle cars and that the color of the 50th bettle car would be the color of the shirt of the first guy who will speak to you and he would be your soul mate…its not about that guy who first smiled at you in school or that guy who uttered words you’ve wanted to hear or that guy who borrowed your notebook or someone you met at the ice cream stand. It’s not about signs. It’s about realism.

Life is not a movie. It is just “like” a movie. The difference is, we are the ones to direct our actions and not another person. Remember: We are on the driver’s seat…we choose which road to take.

We have a direct hold on our lives. Live it wisely. Live it right…and always choose to be happy.