In My Silence, I Cry

111008.2.48.a.m.

One by one the drops of rain slowly roll down my face as I walked in the aisle of fallen leaves. I choose to get wet and continued heading to a place of nowhere. Inside of me are broken diamonds that glistened despite its distorted shapes. Inside of me are unending questions of why and what if. Inside of me is a lady vigorously struggling to step out of the quicksand that unceasingly grabs her entirety to make her stay even if she wants to leave. Inside of me is a stranger.

I continued walking not knowing where I was heading. My mind was empty as the abandoned hall I walked past by. It was empty except for the thought of him.

Why?

Why did he emptied my mind and left only his memory? Why did I allow him to corrupt the person I used to be? Why does he reside inside of me and choose not to leave?...Why?

I feel like a dried rose blown to the wind…going with the direction, twirling high and low. Like the leaves under my feet, I became lifeless. I became dull. I lost the life-giving part that once made me beautiful and attractive. I lost the smiles and joys that once made me bloom and sparkle. I lost the beauty and glee the butterflies used to love. I have lost the real me.

Why?

Why is love so undefined? Why does it hurt so much when it felt so beautiful? Why does it have to take a detour?...Why?

Everything I had got lost when he took over my life. I have offered myself on bended knee and open arms. I have given all of my everything and was left with nothing but the thought of him.

Like a lost cat, I continued walking. Eyes weary. Hair left hanging on my damp shoulders. Clothes dripping with the overflowing pain from within. I wished his arms were wrapped around me. I yearned of his hands interlocking mine as he gives me the gaze I so longed for. I imagined the warmth of his being walking with me, sharing the gift of love.

But did he know what love is? Did he know how it is to love? Did he know he was loved? It’s hard to say the answer coz the answer is no.

I was the greatest fool for allowing myself to get drunk with the liquor he offered me. I was the greatest fool for allowing him to take the pretty rose I kept so dearly. I was the greatest fool for believing in all the promises he said. I was the greatest fool for still waiting for his return. I am and I was the greatest grandest fool for loving him so sincerely.

I took a hiatus. I fell down on my knees and looked up to the sunlight that came peeping between cotton white clouds. The rain has stopped but I am still wet. The sunlight beamed on me and I knew I should resist to be taken into the quicksand now. I knew I needed to take back what was mine. I knew I should stand up, regain strength and walk to the right direction.

I knew it was time.

So I struggled to clothe myself with the real me and I found my way home. But when I arrived, I realized I wasn’t able to take off the wet clothes I had…and so all my clothes are damp now.

Why?

Why can’t I let go of the foolishness I had? Why can’t I continue walking and never look back anymore? Why can’t I be myself again without the smudges of yesterday?

I am wet and it seems like I’ll never get dry.

I have no more paths to take for I have taken them all. I have no more tears to fall for I have wept it all. I have no more love to give for he had taken it all.

I sat down in silence. Exhausted by the long walk I had.

I sat down in silence. Looked blankly at nowhere.

And I still sat down in silence….

….in my silence I succumbed myself to the dried rose petals slowly joining the grains of sand.

Hush

It’s his eyes that I could only see
And the shadows that danced on the wall
Silhouettes which moved freely
Like aphorisms others cannot see.
It’s his breath I could only feel
And the beating of our hearts as shadows moved
Pounding like a gong starting a feast
Racing like cheetahs on a verdant field.
It’s his arms I could only touch
And the lump in your throat that whispered
Whispered with the tone of our pounding hearts
Saying words that seems so endless, seems so real…
It’s his voice I could only listen
And the bodily art he created for the shadows
Dancing like clouds in the vast heavens
Filling each other’s emotions with tenderness.
Indeed,
It’s his eyes that I could only see
It’s his breath I could only feel
It’s his arms I could only touch
It’s his voice I could only listen
The world was emptied with people
It was only you and me…
But I can no longer see the shadows
Only a lonely silhouette of a girl…
Cuddling her teddy bear
Thinking deeply as tears rolled down her cheeks,
Wondering what to do with the life she is conceiving
Regretting the day she believed him when he said,
“Hush…dance with the shadows…”

Gather

Gather
08-23-08
5.59 pm

Yesterday dwells inside me,
It slowly kills me.
It cuts me into pieces.
It breaks me.
Yet no one dares to pick it.
To rearrange it.
To fix it.
To complete it.
Tomorrow is just a dream.
It consumes me.
It saddens me.
It fears me.
The pieces will still be there.
It bleeds often.
It stays incomplete.
It remained broken.
Can you bring back the pieces for me?

emotional crystal

08-23-08
6.31 pm

It peeped out in the corners of my eye
Glittering like a crystal…
Slowly coming out with the pour of emotions
Seeping out of the cracks in my heart
Which was once red and healthy
Yet turned gray and frail.
Little by little it crawled on my cheeks
Trying to give comfort.
My mind runs like a broken compact disc,
Replaying moments,
Flashing back words,
It all seemed real
It all seemed right.
My cheeks are glittering with the emotional crystal;
I felt it with my fingers…
And it pained me.
It hurts knowing that I have to shed it again for you.
It is hard to absorb reality
Coz the reality I know is different from the veracity.
It is hard to accept the truth
Knowing that I had been dwelling with so much lies,
My face now glitters with the crystal…
And I won’t wipe it.
It’s my only way to pour out emotions,
To lessen the pain,
To give out hatred
To accept the truth
To learn living without you.
I’ll just let it dry naturally
So please don’t wipe it.

what some men are and what my man is...

"men are polygamous in nature and we cannot do anything about it... men are also born with spades in their hands, digging their own graves as women try to let them out of it...but it takes a lot of women to do that, that is y they need more women."

but no matter how many women will help them out of the grave if they keep on digging their graves, they will never find their way out...because in truth, only ONE woman could do that...out of love...out of eternal care and unwavering endurance and sacrifices..

i hope you are not one of those men...coz my man is....

hehehe...

life's lessons...hehehe

hearts and kisses..mwahh..

a sad reality

How does politics really work?

Even in universities, it works the same as how it works in national elections. Sometimes, i feel sad to think that these people with their young minds are already exposed to things like this – competition, power, fame…

But sometimes, there is a need to help look for leaders who could really render good services to the people. The betterment of the society relies on the people who run it, who govern it. So, it is really important that we choose leaders who work for the people and not for themselves.

School is the training ground for leaders. They are molded into good leaders if they are exposed to life’s realism. They can be good leaders if they posses “thinking minds” and “caring yet strong hearts.” They can be made into good leaders if they are molded through time and experience.

But before one could be a leader, he or she needs to run into office (in the case of student council elections but it is different in smaller organizations). There wouldn’t be a desire to run for a position but the desire to serve the students will prevail.

Now, how does politics work in school?

Just the way it is.

Popularity works in politics. That is why, those who are rich and famous end up victorious during elections. While those who are good and experienced, end up worrying about the students.

No doubt, it is a competition of who is more popular and who is not. But a good voter wouldn’t think that way. He or she wouldn’t consider the popularity of the person. It is what that person has done and what it could do if voted into the position.

I just hope everyone in my school could be good voters. I am worried of the student council. I hope, they will vote for leaders who could render good services for them.

He or she doesn’t need to be rich and popular. What is important is that he or she could is a real person and doesn’t have personal interests towards anything….

my multiply site

...cOz U R NuMb

“….it is hard to shout when no matter how loud your voice is, still, you can’t be heard…but it is harder to shout when you are heard yet the other person just opted not to listen..”- kled

It is hard when you are trying to communicate but the other line won’t respond even if you have tried every possible way to reach for him. Does it cost a million to send a text message? Does it cost a cent to answer a call?

The only cure for distance is communication. We are given all possible ways to communicate. Technology had given us all the means—cellphone, internet – but why is it so hard to communicate?

How can things work without communication?

I do not know if this is hard for the other person…for me it is hard. I stay at home most of the time when I do not have review classes. When I stay home, I can’t help but think of things in Tacloban.

Every night before I sleep, it hurts to think that I wouldn’t receive a “goodnight” from that person whom I consider special. It hurts to think that while I lay awake in bed for hours until dawn, he is asleep in his own bed not even remembering me. It hurts to think that being away for about a month means nothing to him. It hurts to think that while I lay with eyes open, I am wondering what he had been doing…while he stays unaware of how I am here. It hurts to wake up in the morning without his morning greetings. It hurts to go through things without his “kumusta”…but he wouldn’t know how much it hurts.

I always try to brush the feeling of emptiness and longing but it haunts me. I always wanted to bury the thought but still it lingers inside me. I hate to accept the reality that I miss him so badly…I want to deny that fact but my heart couldn’t.

How could you reside inside me for too long? Am I residing inside you too?

How would I know when you don’t even knock on my door? How would I know if you do not even draw a line to connect us?

Tell me…how will I know?

Robbery

You have taken a part of me and that can never be given back. Never can it be returned for it was consumed, it was possessed by someone else’s life. No other life can give it back, no other breath can pay it back, no other love can bring it back…even the one who have taken it away can never give it back to me…it has been consumed…it has been taken….

You have taken a part of my heart and now it isn’t complete. No cure could heal it, no patch can mend it and no cover can conceive it. The hole in my heart can never be mended for its depth can never be reached. It will stay there forever, that space you have taken. A piece from your heart cannot even complete it. My heart is incomplete but my life will always be complete despite my incomplete heart. Though it had a hole in it, it never ceased beating, it never stopped pumping blood into my body’s blood streams, it never quit loving, it never halted….it never bunged.

You have taken a part of my mind and now it’s confused. A part of it went astray and a part of it would always remind me of you. It would always flash back memories of you even if I don’t ask it to. This busy mind - so occupied, so overloaded would never miss a single thought of you. You always enter this busy mind without even asking permission to….same as you entered my heart just as you wished to and tried to get out when you want to…

Then, you have really taken a part of me….

You have taken a part of my life and I am not asking you to bring it back to me for no matter how hard you try, you can never give it back. It has drowned in tears and has succumbed in your blood. It has withered in my fears and died in your fists. It has melted in my veins and dwelled in your heart. It found refuge in you, it found its sanctuary in you but it never found comfort, and so it died.

And you really did take a part of me….and you could not bring it back. Bring it with you, its your to keep, yours to cherish—that is, if you want to. Bring it with you, it yours to rubbish, yours to bury—that is, if you want to.

Now, bring it with you…and do anything you want to…coz I’m not asking it back.

When Strings are Still Attached

"The hardest thing to learn is to teach your heart and your mind what to do for they
have their own choices. But not all their choices makes you happy."-kled

One cannot tell his or her heart to follow what his or her minds says. The heart has its own mind and the mind has its own heart. They seldom go together and if they do, it is either wrong or right.

I do not know if i should follow my mind or my heart. What i know is, either way, i wouldn't be happy. I don't even know if my happiness still matters. All I know is the happiness of the other person.

It is hard when you are not sure if there are still strings attached between you and the other person. In my case, i am unsure. Maybe if there are still strings, those strings will just rot for it is not being polished. Those strings will never be as beautiful as how i want it to be. I need to know if there are still strings. I need to know if there is still a special connection in our hearts.

We do not communicate but every time the sun sets and the heavens are eaten by darkness, it is his memory that haunts me..scares me..I am scared because i do not know what i should do. I cannot bury my memories. I cannot forget it. It is said that memories are never forgotten. it is just being replaced by a better memory...how can i have better memories when i cannot pull another string to connect with me? How can a new string be connected to me when there is still an exisitng string?

I am not sure if i could welcome a "better memory"....'coz i think i have driven it away already. I have driven it away because there are still strings attached....

....i guess, i will just bear my "beautiful nightmare" no matter how hard it is...

...people who added color to my life

Choose Life's Choices Well

Different types of people come to our lives…one is that person that we first loved, first kissed, whom we thought we will give everything and whom we thought would be the last. Another one is that person whom we consider as our knight in shining armor for coming into our life just on time, whom we can put on a pedestal but like the first one, it got away. Another one is that person who seems so perfect, seems so right, seems so ideal, nothing is wrong with the combination, no flaw with the friendship…only that the cards didn’t fall into its right place…and like the first two, it also got away.

We will never know which one will come back first; we will never know if one of them will return, we will never know if one of them is right….because we will never know unless the right one comes. And that right person may not be one of them. Another person might enter your life and it is your choice to consider him/ her as a passer by or a main stay.

It is our choice. Life is full of choices and it depends on us on how we choose. Destiny has nothing to do with life because we make our own destiny. Destiny is defeated when we make our choice. Destiny is defeated when we choose what we know is right and would make us happy. Destiny is defeated if we just try to.

Life is not about cowardice. It is about gathering up all our strength and face life with full armor and courage, that no matter how hard the choices are, we could still come up with the right one.

Our choice for life and love will make our destiny. At the end of the day, we will realize that you could blame no one for loosing a certain person but yourself, you could blame no one for being so stupid and blind but yourself, you could blame no one for being so hard headed but yourself…our life lies on how we deal with it. We make our own life. We were given our own hearts and minds so we can think of life’s choices and choose who to love.

It depends on us on how we use our heart and our mind wisely.

So, it won’t matter if there’ll be three or four or twenty persons who will knock on our hearts. It is our choice. We are to choose that person whom we love and could love us in return. It is not just counting bettle cars and that the color of the 50th bettle car would be the color of the shirt of the first guy who will speak to you and he would be your soul mate…its not about that guy who first smiled at you in school or that guy who uttered words you’ve wanted to hear or that guy who borrowed your notebook or someone you met at the ice cream stand. It’s not about signs. It’s about realism.

Life is not a movie. It is just “like” a movie. The difference is, we are the ones to direct our actions and not another person. Remember: We are on the driver’s seat…we choose which road to take.

We have a direct hold on our lives. Live it wisely. Live it right…and always choose to be happy.

book review

i have read Mcnaught's Whitney, My Love and Until You...it was great. I tried reading another book written by McNaught and i found it hard to choose from her books. I have to decided to read Almost Heaven.

The story was good though Whiteny, My Love is really better. It is about Elizabeth Cameron and Ian Thornton's romance. It shows that no matter how different you are and no matter how huge trouble and problems both of you faces, you will always end up loving each other if both of you could fight for your feelings and eventually sacrifice things just to be together.

Ian was Elizabeth's enemy. He was the reason why the "ton" gets rid of her thinking that at an early age she had been flirting with Ian (who is not considered part of the elite coz he is not a Lord or something..he is merely a Mister). Rumors said that they spent an afternoon together in a cottage in the woods, which was true. Elizabeth's reputation was ruined. In her debut, she received 14 proposals from men but when that happened, there were no more proposals. Since her brother, Robert disappeared after a duel with Ian, her uncle was her guardian. His Uncle needs to find someone to marry her to save Havenhurst (they do not have money anymore for they need to pay the debts of her father and Robert's due to gambling). Letters were sent to those 14 men who proposed to her before if they would like to reconsider their proposals. Only three responded and Ian was one of them...though the response was mistakenly sent to Elizabeth's Uncle.

The mistake paved the way to once again meet the lives of Elizabeth and Ian where they ended up realizing that they still love each other. Elizabeth is a Countess and his uncle will only allow her to marry someone who belongs to the "ton". Since Ian is the only heir of of Duke of Stanhope, he accepted the title as Marquess of Kennigston just to marry Elizabeth...and they did marry.Though the reappearance of Robert caused another trouble for them, they still survived it and lived happily ever after.hehehe..

His son, Jonathon asked him the meaning of heaven and Ian said it is the place where Elizabeth and her daughter Caroline is looking at the flowers in the garden. Ian's heaven is his family. His son then said that heaven "will have what one most wanted could have" and Ian called it Almost Heaven...

The novel tells us that what other people think of you is not important. Your own happiness and the truth, which you know, is what matters. Even if Ian wasn't liked by Elizabeth's friends, servants and family, he still pursued and fought for his love. Even if things between them was very chaotic, they ended up happy together. We just need to accept things as to what they are because no doubt, better things will occur in the future in exchange of that.

Embrace life and think positive.

Dubious Possession, Vague Realization

Roses unfolding the redness inside me

Swathed my heart…my entirety

These petals slowly undraping with glee

Trying to unveil the veracity.

Peeling the deepness…

Unraveling the emptiness….

Grip the stem of this forlorn petal

Sip all its sweet nectar…

Its yours.

Its yours to keep.

Its yours to cherish..

It’s yours to relish…

Open your heart

Glance at this redness

Stare beyond the vastness

Discern this emptiness…

Bisect the thinness of these petals

Caress all its brightest hues…

Its yours.

Its yours to marvel.

Its yours to adore..

Its yours to admire….

Mind this bud

Look into its uniqueness

Be thrilled with its highness

Pervade this emptiness…

Scrutinize the potency of these sepals

Test its verdant shadows

Its yours.

Its yours to dwell.

Its yours to lurk…

Its yours to skulk…

Neglect it and you’ll suffer

Desert it...you lackluster!

But its’ beauty you never could hinder

It’s sincerity you couldn’t vex forever

Grasp it in a jiffy….

Posses it mild and swiftly…

A n y w a y

Its yours.

Its yours to keep

Yours to marvel

Yours to dwell

Its yours…

Its all yours…

insanity

confused as I may seem

but ‘tis not true, my mind’s not dim

nor is it slim

neither thin nor lean…

evanescent as my love would appear

inside me its true, its clear, its real….

those eyes might sneer at me

it may tell me there’s something within me

but this heart discerns the veracity behind

they may not believe

nor adhere or mind…

their reproof is vain

for mine will take pride, I’m not insane.

Vague Skies

Years of yore I didn’t feel this

little pollen that made red roses

tiny tears that eyes discloses

minute moments, yes it amuses…

heart opens though its closed

mind closes though it doesn’t chooses

this urge abuses….leads to misuses…
but this heart still chooses

avoid amuses, misuse impresses, ensconce depresses…

severe as it may be, it shouldn’t be…it couldn’t be!

Murder this heart!

let this butterfly depart!

Oh…don’t play your part…

Please…disregard this art….

Kill…feel…unveil….kill…unveil…feel…

Kill!

Unreel…unpeel…it’s unreal!

Repel…don’t appeal….

Reveal...…yes….hope it’s unreal.

Fight….avoid those delight

look at where there is light,make it bright, give it might..

heal this sense of sight, wrap it with the light of night

grasp it tight, give it some height…

oh dear this I deeply fear….

don’t allow it, this beat I may not bear…

dear make this clear…deer don’t you get near...

fear, hear, tear….mere as it may appear…

I chooseth to kill…

vague isn't it? it may appear that way but i know what i am trying to imply...indeed, it is unclear but it is there. a writer or a poet doesn't need to explain his/ her writing for the words are there to explain it...the words and all those ellipses shows the emotion of the poet...hey, i wrote it pala...

vague skies for in the expansion-- in the wide expansion of emotions thier is great ambiguity....

Liquid Dreams

If confusion could kill…

I should have died today.

Locked in this empty room of blood and water, I opened my eyes trying to seek for light as I slowly crawled to the door. Inside me, I felt so helpless and alone. Deep within me, I knew the end will come...I swallowed a lump of fear…I blinked a strand of darkness…but nothing has changed.

The door was just few inches from me but it seems like the more I crawl towards it, it become farther to reach. My hands and legs are trembling with coldness. I needed arms to wrap my body…caress my deepest flesh and tell me its okay. But no one was around. Down in all fours I continued crawling like a newly born baby who was naïve of the things that is happening around her. Down in all fours, I never ceased crawling…crawling…crawling…my heart beats fast…my mind stopped thinking…my breath slowly vanishing…

“I won’t die…”, I said.

My hair covered my eyes as I struggle to reach for the light that appears before my eyes coming from that door. Yes, that door painted with white and gray, that door which I had entered a few minutes ago…I shouldn’t have entered this room of blood and water..

Blood and water flowing along the corners of the room…rolling on the edges of the walls…there was nothing inside. Just blood and water.

I crawled and crawled….breathed…breathed…breathed….breathed….

It was hard. It was painful. It was hurting.

Tears rolled down my cheeks thinking that my efforts are worthless for still, I cannot reach for the door. Pain wrapped my entirety…my arms, my legs, my knees were aching...my mind was confused, my heart was bleeding…

Pieces of memories run through my mind but none of them stopped me from crawling… I crawled more….I cried…I cried…I cried…I crawled and I cried…

My face was wet with tears, my body wet with sweat…blood and water was all around me…Every parcel of my body ached as I continued moving…Every cell in my body felt much pain as I force myself to reach that door of regrets…

Still I crawled…crawled…crawled….

I finally reached the door…but I wasn’t happy. I was tired…so tired…very tired….i touched the door and pushed it open as I slowly fell on the floor….i was numb. I forgot all the pain that I felt, I forgot how much I struggled to reach the door. I forgot that blood and water surrounded me. I forgot that I was in that room….

I blinked once. I blinked again. I closed my eyes for a while as I lay helpless on the floor wet with blood and water. I slowly opened it….

…..the light was gone…..